How to Lead Through Negotiations and Conflict Resolutions | Kwame Christian

Negotiation and conflict resolution are often looked at as the difficult conversations and actions which leaders need to take. These are often uncomfortable conversations to have with our coworkers and subordinates; however, they are absolutely essential in order to ensure that our organization is an effective one. Therefore, we need to get past the uncomfortness and get to the root of problems which we face on a daily basis. 

Author and speaker Kwame Christian is the Director of the American Negotiation Institute and a master of negotiation and conflict resolution. Christian has conducted workshops throughout North America and abroad, and is a highly sought after national keynote speaker

Host of the number one negotiation podcast in the world, Negotiate Anything, Christian is dedicated to empowering others through the art and science of negotiation and persuasion. Now downloaded nearly two million times, Negotiate Anything has a dedicated and growing following with listeners in more than 180 countries. 

Christian’s TEDx Dayton talk, Finding Confidence in Conflict, was ranked the most popular TEDx Talk on the topic of conflict in 2017, and has been viewed more than 150,000.* His best-selling Amazon Book, Finding Confidence in Conflict: How to Negotiate Anything and Live Your Best Life has helped countless individuals overcome the fear, anxiety and emotion often associated with difficult conversations through a branded framework called Compassionate Curiosity.™ (*September, 2020)

In addition to his role at ANI, Christian is a business lawyer at Carlile Patchen & Murphy LLP. He represents businesses in a broad scope of legal needs including contract negotiation, business formation, transactions, employment, and general business and legal counseling.

Christian serves as an adjunct professor for Otterbein University’s MBA program, as well as The Ohio State University’s Moritz College of Law in its top-ranked dispute resolution program. 

Topics

During this interview Kwame and I discuss the following topics:

  • What’s changed in negotiation and conflict resolution
  • How leaders can get the pulse of the organization
  • How to delegate with intentionality 
  • How transparency can help conflict resolution
  • How the negotiation space has changed
  • How to be open-mind for the new world
  • How to negotiate virtually
  • The importance of self-negotiation

Guest Resources

If you are interested in learning more about Kwame’s resources be sure to check out the following links:

Transcript

A full AI generated transcript is found below. This is for reference purposes only, it is not 100% accurate.

 


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Transcript

All right, we’re alive work form a call. They won’t come back, hey it’s good to be back scott, so we are streaming. This live in to my facebook group of leadership skills for managers who want to be leaders, not bosses as well, a group that we are both members, often as the dad’s, where to die.

00:00:25

Speaker

Doctors group so shout out to both those groups today day for checking us out yes good, to be good to be here, get to see other people in the in the crew to the hacker so we’re just jab before I hit go alive, and

00:00:41

Speaker

is this episode one sixty six of the peak performance, leadership podcast- and here I checked ed- you her episode. Twenty eight last I ever saw solid like over one hundred forty episodes ago.

00:00:57

Speaker

Wow,

00:00:58

Speaker

that’s crazy! That is crazy and I’m saying is because of it that that’s a testament to your success and longevity too, because most pod casters they quit between six and six. At that episode- and here you are of a double one- sixties- us really impressive,

00:01:12

Speaker

I’m just I’m just too stubborn equipment.

00:01:15

Speaker

Sometimes that’s all! It takes a thought takes so yeah, let’s get caught up, one is nowhere in twenty twenty one, so I think the last episode was like forty eighteen. So three years have passed since we last talked on the show.

00:01:31

Speaker

Why is the noon? Friends that were seeing going on in a in the negotiation, space and conflict resolution? Space right now?

00:01:41

Speaker

Well covered has changed a lot so when now, when we’re talking about negotiation, we’re not just talking about baby’s face to face conversations now. The biggest question is: how do we negotiate in these times, as they say so? We’re talking about a lot of virtual negotiation were having conversations remotely with people who are actually on

00:02:00

Speaker

our team. So even when we’re trying to collaborate with people who are not adverse parties, but just our colleagues, even that is becoming a little bit more challenging given the distance between us, and so those things are the things that are creating the biggest challenges in the most obvious challenges. Now, beneath that, it’s the whole stress of the situation,

00:02:21

Speaker

and so we know when you are under stress and pressure, you are going to have more emotional responses. People are going to be a little bit more tense in those situations, so a stimulus that in the past would have been something that people could brush off. Now it’s having more of an emotional impact. So not only are we further away

00:02:41

Speaker

way from each other, but we also have that added emotional element of the pressure and stress of the situation too

00:02:49

Speaker

yeah dog. Definitely so, let’s, let’s talk a little bit more detail with this, so services shows focused on leadership in your hitting p performances leaders as teams and organizations. I no doubt these complex. The conflict in general. One is healthy to a certain extent, but then he gets into the unhealthy brown

00:03:09

Speaker

and with the layer of complexity between with virtual meal. Every thing, essentially, that’s going on right now, this day and age. How can leaders be a wear of of the complex that are going on because they may not necessarily see it know? You don’t see the water cooler room.

00:03:29

Speaker

You don’t see those little off your you, don’t hear those offhand comments in the hallways and get the feel these vibes. So how can leaders best gift feel the pulse of their teams and organizations before awesomely? These conflicts are bubbling up to two point: nine and exploding, without even being aware that something was brewing in the first

00:03:49

Speaker

place, right and- and the key word that you said there is aware we need to raise our awareness- that’s the first thing and, like you said at the beginning earlier on, we kind of took it for granted because we could, just by being present, we were aware of some of these challenging dynamics that might occur. Maybe there’s a problem. People are on the same page. We can just through our in

00:04:09

Speaker

tuition kind of understand that now we need to be more intentional about creating those opportunities for awareness, but right now we don’t even have the opportunity to be aware right, and so we need to be a little bit more investigative. In our conversations, we need to create opportunities to have conversations to check in on the person does

00:04:29

Speaker

see how they’re doing and then dig deeper beneath the surface to see if there are any challenges, because we are in a situation where we’re a little bit at their mercy to a certain extent we’re not going to get that information unless they tell us in a lot of cases, and so we need to pre bed strong, trusting relationship where people feel safe sharing with us. So

00:04:49

Speaker

then we can discover those problems, and now we can be proactive about solving those problems.

00:04:56

Speaker

Awesome. I love that. So what I’m hearing there is yeah. We need to be more bit more intentional, leaving what I like to call out white space in our schedules to enable us to either connect with our team members, who were only on working from home or wherever or allow them the opportunity to connect with us

00:05:15

Speaker

and being intentional with them and really going out and getting a feel and new having those deeper level conversations about. What’s going on and listening to them absolutely and I’ve had to take it a step further, because I’ve hired two people full time now during the pandemic, and you know some of them hit

00:05:35

Speaker

took a while, like one is actually in the city, and so it took about six months for me to actually see her as like a human and then another one lives in california too. So it’s been, it’s been challenging and so I’ve actually started to put it on my calendar. I’m saying no check in on your team, a delegate with intentionally make sure everything’s, okay,

00:05:55

Speaker

hey, I’m actually scheduling it to make sure that it happens. Who I am a yummy treat now art and I piqued my interest piqued you mentioned delegate and I’m a huge fan of delegation, but you said something I haven’t really heard before, and there is no delegate with functionality. That’s that’s. Go dig a little deeper than ever that one shall we

00:06:16

Speaker

I so how does calling delegates a yet delicate with intentionally that the end? What do you mean by that yeah? So for me, starting this, this business by myself, I’m used to doing everything, and so now I’m at a point where I not only shouldn’t, but I mean like I really.

00:06:36

Speaker

We can’t do everything so now, every single day, the first thing that’s on my calendar is delegate delegate before I do anything, so I actually have my assistant every day they put delegation on the calendar, so I’m actually thinking through it, and I see on the board. I see every person on the team are there like who what are their names in them, what I

00:06:56

Speaker

can delegate to them and so then from there then I figure out alright a dedicated to my team number, a delegate to myself, and so what? What do I now do today now that my team has been taken care of, I divvy out those assignments check in to make sure everybody’s doing all right and then I move forward a lotta times got what ends up happening is I I delegate or I think I delegate,

00:07:16

Speaker

then I put those things on my like for my board what it? What do I need to do and then I ask myself again, I say of the things that I listed for myself, who else could be doing that

00:07:28

Speaker

as a o l yeah, those three things I could put those in those places. Two men communicate that clearly and then move on

00:07:34

Speaker

that. That’s been really really helpful and then also making sure that my my team has access to my calendar so when they want to check it, I say: put it on my calendar: you know how to do it like actually physically put that block to make sure that it’s prioritize, because for me, what gets calendar gets done as long as I know that I’ve allocated that time- and I can see it there

00:07:54

Speaker

there, then it make sure it did it guarantees that it gets done for me

00:07:59

Speaker

so yeah. Now I’m are so what I’m hearing from you is. You know essentially taking a moment not necessarily rushing to get things done right away, but actually taken some time in the morning to prepare the plan to prioritize and then start executing right. So you lucky

00:08:19

Speaker

you’re you’re lucky. We need to get on your hand off the things that can get hand off looked there. What’s left over, you prioritize that you have another second scrub you’re like okay. Is there actually anything inherent that I else I have to do or someone else can do for now. Okay were good, and then you know you you execute on that which is very similar to style, which I

00:08:39

Speaker

do an hour. I liked how open and transparent you are you like to share your calendar and stuff like this? Do you feel that our leaders out there who have a very similar mentality does that help them in minimizing conflict and and and allowing their team? You have understanding of your workflow and all this stuff,

00:08:59

Speaker

two potential minimize I conflict out there or is that just something else

00:09:04

Speaker

I think transparency is, is one of the best things to create trust and so we’re we’re all playing for the same team literally in this sense hockey our whole lives. They’ve dig right, so I want to be clear about my strategy and my goals for the company. My goals for the person and my goals for myself and I want to be

00:09:24

Speaker

also clear on what they need from me in order for them to be successful in this role and what I’m recognizing is that from time to time they need they just need my time, they need my attention and I’m glad that I don’t have a team. That’s particularly needy, with a constantly checking. I want to be- and I wonder always empower them to make decisions regardless of

00:09:45

Speaker

the situation, because I want them to keep on getting better and better and better in an heir apparent. So you can impair you. You can appreciate this. I tell people all the time that, for me and with my son kyle, we actually have another one on the way to my goal is to parent towards obsolescence, and so what I mean by that is I’m gonna be very hands,

00:10:05

Speaker

is a very loving parent, but then my goal is to make them smack him self sufficient. So he can start to make proper decisions on his own, without always having to look to me to make those decisions for him. I think about it the same way with my team, so I I at the beginning when they’re starting to work, they’re gonna need a lot more guidance, but I also through that process, as I’m offering the guidance,

00:10:25

Speaker

I’m not being prescriptive, I’m asking questions to see what conclusions they come to and offer a little bit of guidance. That way, I would have recognizes that as we move forward, they need less and less of my time, but when they do need my time they can get it because I know it’s going to be focused on really high level stuff

00:10:44

Speaker

love. It man, absolutely love it.

00:10:46

Speaker

Ah, and I couldn’t agree with you more, I liked I liked that prescriptive part, but I also like you’re parroting to obsolescence. I I have a very similar mentality. I but my congratulations and realize the written and you have another one on on the wire, so I can hear the guys in the group cheering right now,

00:11:05

Speaker

but I like that, because I I feel the same way both as a parent and an mall and a leader and as apparently earlier too

00:11:15

Speaker

and what I mean by that is as a parent. My role, I figure, is to grow my son’s up to become ill effect of adults, right being being mean, know to be effective, be a fact of member of society, contributor, etc, etc.

00:11:31

Speaker

As a leader, I feel like my job is to develop my subordinates so that when I can, when I need an add to, they can replace me at a moment’s notice without me having to worry and that’s how I liked the old tie back to what we talked about earlier and a delegation part and being transparent best.

00:11:51

Speaker

How is the it goes down that road and how you’re able to effect that’s a lot of great points coming out there?

00:12:00

Speaker

Now with? Oh, we we’re talking about conflict resolution and an ill negotiation.

00:12:07

Speaker

How is the negotiations space really changed, so you a covert, or is it very much along the lines of what we discussed earlier with the conflict resolution, or is there some nuances in there that we need to be aware of going forward yeah? This is funny this, because this is something that I was

00:12:26

Speaker

actually talking to another friend about actually use a negotiation expert in nam.

00:12:31

Speaker

I in in canada, forget exactly where, but his name is jon pierre and he was saying that the negotiation space is kind of unique in that it doesn’t change that much when you think about the institutional knowledge. That’s out there, on from universities and dumb from the thought leaders of old t,

00:12:51

Speaker

they are often bringing the same tools to the table in the same ways. Even though society has changed and the the with the world that we live in has changed profoundly. It’s like the same stuff over and over and over again and the reality. Is this: the fundamentals of negotiation haven’t changed. The funding

00:13:11

Speaker

rentals of psychology haven’t changed, but society has changed so those fundamentals are still gonna hold true, but they’re going to be tweaked slightly based on how society has adjusted and so they’re they’re. Very. What I found is that they’re very few people who are kind of trying to adjust with the tide still at here

00:13:31

Speaker

add to that the fundamental principles that work, the tried and true methods, but also tweaking them to address the the news challenges and situations that we have so long story short. The the reality of negotiation has changed, but in many ways the a lot of folks who are negotiating haven’t changed and that’s one of the biggest challenges that I’ve seen today

00:13:53

Speaker

right right. So what we have is your potentially some different methods of change, but not the actual interaction part of it, but the people have not changed rival. So exactly exactly

00:14:05

Speaker

now and now, ass know, if you’re a leader at their listen to the show you’re gonna guys in the group, has listen. This show and you realize like ah no I’m when those guys, but I’m not really keeping up with times now. May maybe, or like my boss, I work a getting him on. Amis teams was a victory of mine.

00:14:28

Speaker

If you know what I mean they’re, the fact that we actually see I haven’t had the print him pages at all this week is a vector of mine right so

00:14:38

Speaker

solder, not necessarily with these times yeah. What is the best advice from you out there? It’s for them. They get into that mindset less space of okay. This is how negotiations occur now over the means which they occur. This is how conflict resolutions occur now now, how can we go about getting into that space and

00:14:58

Speaker

using the leveraging the technology? That’s out there, that’s primarily being used right now.

00:15:03

Speaker

I would say two things. So first one is a gift for anyone listening if they go to iowa to our website. American negotiation institute, dot com, slash virtual, so virtual, the I r t: u a l, then you’re gonna get access to a virtual conflict, ridden indigo

00:15:23

Speaker

she asian and conflict resolution handbook, so it talks about how to negotiate in these modern times which platform to use and the best practices. Tactically that you can use for each platform, so it’s a real great tactical guide for modern day negotiations. So that’s a place to start next place to start is just by constantly it

00:15:43

Speaker

introducing yourself to new concept so firm. For me with the podcast negotiate, anything were read by what like two hundred fifty episodes. Now it’s it’s crazy and the thing is I’m every time I do an episode. I am the? U. You can hear it like joyful exuberance in my voice, because I’m learning something new every single time at it.

00:16:04

Speaker

I teach this all the time. This is my life, but every time I talk to somebody, I learn something new, a new wrinkle, a new nuance, a completely different mindset, it’s incredible, and so just you need to continue to keep your mind

00:16:20

Speaker

privy to all of this new information and the more you think about it. The more you’re going to start to see it in your everyday life. It. It reminds me of of a quote koby bryant said he said when you are obsessed with your craft. The world becomes your library, and so he can see basketball, inspiration everywhere, just walking

00:16:39

Speaker

around life, and that’s the way that I look at negotiation to I can see. I watch tv, I’m thinking about it in terms of negotiations, persuasion, communication, those type of things, and so the more you’re exposed to it, the more you’re aware of it and the more you won’t actually be mindful and intentional about the way that you use it in your everyday life.

00:17:00

Speaker

I thought: that’s it, I’m not a huge quo fan of an iguana meant, but that one was well planned. They give a mind upon attack at attacker,

00:17:11

Speaker

but I am interested into this. This virtual handbook that you that you mansion there and the tactics that are in there. Fourth, for yoda virtual negotiation and conflict resolution, so let’s dive in there and talked discussed a few of those and was hard catholic because lot

00:17:30

Speaker

the leaders out there, that’s what they’re all looking for like how do I navigate this this situation so, ah not having seen it ta you list like different types of situations and how to navigate them in that rolled in or if so, young can. You wanna gives a couple examples or, if knocking just give us like the coles notes, version of what is in there

00:17:51

Speaker

yeah. So what we do is we break down each platform. We talk about email, phone, video chat and even text message, and we talk about the light, the top ten best practices and top ten mistakes that people make on each one and so things to keep in mind when you’re negotiating on each platform and the way this came about was we had a

00:18:11

Speaker

virtual negotiation and conflict resolution summit. We partnered with multiple universities and put this on, and so, instead of it being kwame in front of everybody, vs zoom talking about with the best practices, I said: listen, we all collectively all six hundred of us. We have a lot of information and so we’re gonna break going to break out rooms, massive

00:18:31

Speaker

event, everybody and break out rooms and were just all want to share our best ideas and then my two, my team compiled the best ideas that popped up on age group and then that’s how it culminated in this. And so it’s really easy. It’s an easy read because we just cycle through each platform talking about what you should do and what you shouldn’t do and when and how to use each

00:18:52

Speaker

awesome. I I got noah. Some of the top mistakes are a. I have an idea, my head, but I want to hear from the man himself so on are some that those top mistakes they are listed in there. So one of the things when you think about email,

00:19:05

Speaker

a lot of us some negotiation experts would say the rule about negotiating via email is never negotiate via email. Now from somebody who defines negotiation has any time you’re in a conversation, and somebody wants something you’ll recognize that it is impossible to not negotiate via email

00:19:23

Speaker

if you’re, interacting with people be email at all. So it’s not that you should not negotiate. The email is that you need to use email at the right times during the negotiation. The email is use really well at the bookends of the conversation, so we’re just going to focus on one leg: negotiation in terms of like one convert conversation, so we’re gonna, say

00:19:43

Speaker

right at the beginning. I’m gonna use this as a setup tool. So how can I be the person to initiate the discussion about the agenda because the agenda puts me in the best position to make sure that the things that I care about the most are addressed cause? I’m saying what we’re going to talk about. This also puts me in the driver’s seat when it comes to framing the conversation a lot. It

00:20:03

Speaker

times these interactions can be framed, combative, lee even think about feedback for leaders right. The person gets scared. They think that it’s going to be some kind of attack, but you can take the set the tone in the email and make sure it’s clear to them. That is going to be a collaborative type of thing where you’re working together, because you are on the same team and then you can use that to set up the key,

00:20:24

Speaker

then, on the back end, what you do is you summarize the conversation all right, hey scott had a great time chatting with you. I think we made a lot of progress again. You are reframing the interaction after the fact to make sure it’s more likely to be remembered, favorably and then you’re also summarizing the key points. What happens next? Those other things so email is a great supplement

00:20:44

Speaker

mental tool. But if you use it too much to carry too much of the conversational burden, that’s when things get really muddy

00:20:55

Speaker

yeah. I I like that. I in that attic for sure, and I’ve used that in the past I sherrill bought mentor mine boss of mine,

00:21:03

Speaker

I should say supervisor so against bosses on the show, but but so far mentor saw supervisor and it got me into the habit of okay. You had his face to face meeting now, go back summarize it nearer words fired to them and then have them agree to that

00:21:23

Speaker

and and the reason for that is of that, you don’t have these disputes in a week or two. Sometimes you do these initial talks and you may not talk for weeks on end and then sony come back. You have your notes there. In your might mind, like I swear, I have the doctor’s riding in the family, so half the time homeowner what the heck are

00:21:43

Speaker

note down.

00:21:45

Speaker

If it’s been two weeks or so so,

00:21:49

Speaker

at least then you have that yes yeah. This is how I’ve interpreted are our conversation, you know, do you see the same way and then maybe they may come back with the else say know like that’s. I I two point three point three is to me. That was your task to do or or you’re gonna take her there or whatever. So that enables us to

00:22:09

Speaker

now get a head, be proactive, vice being reactive, which is as leaders we need to be so should we want to hit that hot peak performance and get ahead of it and preempt young potential conflict down the road absolutely spot on and fifth you’re, so right,

00:22:29

Speaker

because you you want to summarize, but also give them the opportunity to correct so they’re involved in that too, and is this has happened so many times you know. Sometimes you think that you’re on the same page him you’re really not so get it, gives you a great opportunity to to get everybody together on the same page,

00:22:45

Speaker

don’t now one of the situations that pops out all the time is that misinterpreted text message

00:22:59

Speaker

for it or break it out laughing, as I say it right, how can we avoid it? How can we eat of it? You go from that message where your base to a oh hear something great to the other person interpreting outgoing deputy athletic. Not know you

00:23:16

Speaker

don’t fire me what ip or invite us for, and vice versa were were the ones who get that tax message and we misinterpret it and then he’ll go off the rails. You’ll get angry and awesomely complex start supper. So how can we avoid that? A both incidents of that equation? Yeah? So, let’s think

00:23:37

Speaker

just to simplify this list. Think about text message like quick, many emails, that’s essentially what it is right. We still don’t have that context, but it is just text based just like an email, and so we again the big mistake people often make of that day and how they try to carry too much of the burden via text message right

00:23:57

Speaker

it you can touch base. You can clarify some things, those of things but as the conversation increases in complexity, text message might not be the appropriate mode of communication for you. You should use it as a set up, but not as the entire conversation now for some people based on their right or a relationship that they have. They might have a lot of

00:24:17

Speaker

report, handling heavier conversations, be a text, so this isn’t an absolute rule, but for most situations it’s just a touch based type of thing and framing before con. Like a true conversation, now, if you do have a situation where you have to carry a significant portion of the conversation, be a text be very clear about stating your

00:24:37

Speaker

positive intentions at the front of the text. Why are you sending this text? What do you hope to accomplish those type of things? Because when you take the time to frame the interaction positively at the front end, it makes it more likely for the interpretation of the rest of the text to be positive as well. So you can take the exact same text.

00:24:57

Speaker

Have no interpretation at the front end no framing of the front end and people take it negatively, but then you think that exact same text and put a nice little preamble at the beginning, two or three sentences explaining what your intention isn’t doing it positively and collaboratively, then that exact same text is interpreted completely differently,

00:25:15

Speaker

def now to follow up with. That. Is that something I you can use both professionally about as well in your personal life, with it with your spouse or your loved ones or whatever one hundred percent scott yeah? I use this all the time with with whitney and um a lot of them that we might not consider it to be text per se

00:25:34

Speaker

in the workplace, but think about the people who are using, like group collaboration tools like slack, for instance, those are essentially text really when you think about it. They they’re like. Oh, it’s a series of tax more or less so I think it’s important to ah to recognize the strength of the of the tool button, the limitations as well. You know it’s kind of like people whose

00:25:54

Speaker

they lied on not getting good results from this gym’s like it’s, not the gyms fault. Lay the gym is a tool. You know it’s our you using the tool

00:26:05

Speaker

yeah for sure you know how far you go work out for half an hour at the gym, but you’re gonna. If you’re stopped at mcdonald’s. Before and after each workout, you can’t set yourself up for failure there, man,

00:26:16

Speaker

italy in it and same thing, could be said for messaging and negotiation and such an hour. I did like how you framed one thing, and that is essentially tax. Hell, instant messaging, whatever platform use are centrally many emails, and I like that

00:26:36

Speaker

that I think it’s so true. Like the principal stay the same, it is literally words or you could even look at emails as long form taxed reality has just written is just written stuff and d. Ways for people to interpret things differently are vieira

00:26:56

Speaker

very high. You know you and I can read the exact same ball can come with completely different lessons because of the interpretation that we place behind that. So I think that is something that is no great play now and that we, as leaders of their we need to

00:27:16

Speaker

do you’ll, follow up and fall with either that video chat that phone call or when please god, sometime soon, that face to face meeting

00:27:26

Speaker

and em and make sure of that young it was received well and in in interpret it. The way that I, a sender meant to have it sent in interpreted by you, the receiver, exactly

00:27:41

Speaker

thumb, nada, that that’s awesome man, that’s it. We’ve had a lot of stuff already holy smokes. I know the heck.

00:27:49

Speaker

It’s almost like you’re an experienced podcast or something

00:27:53

Speaker

it’s hose like you’re just bear hey experience ago. She asian cup match up.

00:27:59

Speaker

I feel like it is actually a good point right, wind down just because I don’t want to dilute the message to watch. I go for quality over quantity here, but I do honestly asked you you know. Is there something that’s like burning right now that we really haven’t hit on that? You feel like should be brought up for the listeners out there in a negotiation space

00:28:18

Speaker

in the conflict resolution space, so that today they can lead more effectively know they didn’t earn it for the parents have dirt our listening. Can new parent or ill work with their spouse more effectively? Today,

00:28:32

Speaker

I think what we need to do is actually kind of um a riff on what your perspective on leadership talking about leading yourself right, I think what we need to do when it comes to these negotiations is we have to have that internal negotiation is well. We need to do a little bit of self homework and self checking to see where we are emotionally. This is self awareness. This is the

00:28:52

Speaker

height of of emotional intelligence. Where am I right now, emotional, and sometimes we are pushing ourselves a little bit too hard now. I feel like I need to have this conversation right now and I’m not saying that we we in a engage in avoidance, I’m saying that we are mindful about where we are emotionally and cognitive

00:29:12

Speaker

early and ask if we are in the best position to have this conversation, because we’re under a lotta stress people, some people are trying to work. Some people are trying to parent. Some people are doing that at the exact same time, him exact same space. That’s really tough to do, and if you’re trying to have a high level conversation under that type of cognitive and emotional load,

00:29:32

Speaker

you’re not going to be at your best, and so I just want to give people the the license to to focus on themselves for a little bit de pressurize the situation as much as they can. So they can come to the conversation at a time where they are at their best and can handle it in a way. That’s appropriate

00:29:51

Speaker

lava. I refer. That is the condor moment I saw when I was preparing to deploy to canner afghanistan in two thousand and nine. We are gone through fc and welcomes work up. Training am at a briefing and training section regarding ah instant mandarin. I eat something happens: aden, nine,

00:30:10

Speaker

ninety nine point nine times at a hundred.

00:30:14

Speaker

It was something bad how you take a moment to regroup before executing on whatever the next task would be, and that’s very much what I’m hearing from you so taken out moment, doing a self assessment and

00:30:31

Speaker

really yeah getting in the right head space to an okay self assessment. Am I in gnome nine right head space? How can I get in the right head space? Okay, you know. Maybe I need five minutes away from his computer keyboard. Whatever may mandy just go for walker, yeah, I’m actually hungry, and who should go, get a bite to eat fitness right.

00:30:51

Speaker

Do that now houses do was it needs to come back with a clear head, sagan, okay, what actually needs to get done and

00:31:01

Speaker

and then go okay now I can engage in a much better place in just the fault, with the with that training. Was that the the guy that was given us this this lecture and training and preparing us for this? He was actually involved in ensign or his combo. I got em got hit idea, exploded his vehicle go ahead

00:31:21

Speaker

and, as as the on scene commander, he had actually take that moment. Okay

00:31:27

Speaker

clears head literally of fog and debris. Okay, let’s yo colony, medivac secured a location calling at a vax yeah yeah, yeah yeah. Any enemy round know they. They hit us from rand type thing,

00:31:40

Speaker

so it is secured area called an amount of tax on, at the same time, they’re prioritizing their casualties, pushing all this information back and then at one point he said he had to stop. Do a self assessment and then pulled himself out of the out of the fight and put himself on a the medivac icebergs. He was injured himself. So is it just your time

00:32:00

Speaker

have an unintentionally in in really self awareness definitely goes a long way. So that’s awesome point manama happy. I asked that question better way to wrap the ethnic.

00:32:11

Speaker

Ah kong event is fantastic. Gonna get you back, not a hardened forty episodes later

00:32:19

Speaker

glad to have you on my show. Man does what I was there and it’s crazy that you haven’t been on yet so I’ll. Send you the link, so we can make that happen to us. Make that happen. Otherwise we. Why now got a couple ask questions, and I don’t know if I asked you this one on episode: twenty eight, so I’m gonna have to real real visit and see if I did but asked all the us you’re moving for lucia.

00:32:38

Speaker

What? According you call my christian, what makes a great leader,

00:32:43

Speaker

I think the easy answer is listening, but I’ll, take it a little bit deeper and say humility, because if you have humility, it encapsulates a lotta debates. If you are humble, then you will listen, because you don’t assume that you have the answer. That’s a big thing! If your humble, that means that you’re, eager

00:33:02

Speaker

always in check and you’re gonna, be a little bit more open and transparent and vulnerable because you don’t see it as a threat to your identity and who you are that’s another thing too, and so, when I think about what makes a great leader, I want to think about those things that are at the core that actually led to the behaviors that need to be done.

00:33:23

Speaker

Naturally, because if you have humility,

00:33:26

Speaker

then the proper behavior will flow from that

00:33:30

Speaker

man. You I’d, take my pedestal and preach.

00:33:35

Speaker

I love it

00:33:38

Speaker

actually love art final thing is, I can find you are going to follow. You can be part your journey shameless plugs fire rounds. It’s all the you’re at a fantastic, well check out the negotiate. Anything by gas is atop negotiation, but in the world we are both were gonna, be five episodes a week next next starting next week, crazy,

00:33:56

Speaker

also on linked in a very active on linkedin, trying to give as much free content out as possible and then, if you’re, interested in learning more about negotiation or your or your company might be interested in a training check out the american negotiation institute, dot com, we do negotiation and conflict resolution training mad at different companies. So I’d love to work with you

00:34:16

Speaker

and for you to listeners, easy always just go to movie for leadership. Dot com forward, slash one six, six one! Sixty six! Oh man pleasure it’s an honor, it’s been so much fun having you back on the show, were gonna, tighten this up and get you back on again sooner than later.

00:34:36

Speaker

Likewise, thanks prohibited. Take care of him

00:34:44

Speaker

I’ll, stop! Stop.

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